Parting is in no way sweet sorrow
I've had arguably one of the worst days of my Japanese experience yet. And it had nothing to do with culture, or anything specific that happened to me, it was all internal. I woke up today and realized that summer break was soon approaching. Because next week I'll be at the handicapped school, and the week after is a public holiday, today was the last time I was going to teach three of my classes. I told them I was leaving and one actually didn't seem to care very much at all but the other two showed a little more remorse. It's only been three months and I didn't think I would get attached to these students in such a short time but I have to say the thought of leaving mid year makes me feel like I'm leaving something I really care about, incomplete. So all day I've walked around with a sick feeling in my stomach and I'm deathly afraid it will be there tomorrow and the next day and the next. I keep reminding myself of the reasons I decided to go home, I keep telling myself it'll be ok, it had to happen eventually, and to get over it because the decision has been made. But I also can't help wondering "what if" I had stayed another year? It seems that only NOW everything is kind of adjusting. It took a whole year for me, students, and other teachers to really figure out how to make things work. I feel more a part of people's lives and of the school than I ever have before here. Plus there's all the friends and family I've gotten to know. And at first it was frustrating to think about how much time and effort it took for some people to warm up to me and I questioned why I hadn't tried earlier. But it occurred to me that maybe it didn't take as long for them to get used to me as I thought. Maybe, they're just guilty of the same fault that I and most of us are guilty of. We're so busy and self-centered that we don't think about missing something until it's already gone or it's slipping away. With so many loose ends to tie, I have the same feeling of a clock counting down that I had to deal with before I came to Japan a year ago. I think it's going to be a hard few more weeks. I'm going to have to endure goodbyes to students, teachers, family, friends, and even acquaintances like my Japanese teacher, or the old lady at the okonomiyaki shop I always go to. I did more than just live here. This became a second home. Now I have to say goodbye to everything and everyone I'm going to miss before I leave it possibly forever. And come one month from now, I'm going to greatly miss Hatsukaichi.
- posted by Chris @ 9:39 PM